


A creature in my bloodstream (chews me up)

by Ischa



Category: Batman (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Creepy, Drugs, Gen, Insanity, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Instability, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2646491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about Tim going slowly insane. There is also Jason being awesome and Dick – being Dick I guess. </p><p>
  <i>Tim was aware that Dick would think that something was wrong with Tim, instead of being happy or at least accepting of what Tim was trying to do. He needed to be one being, one person. The others really had to die. There was no other option. Tim Drake was already gone. Soon Robin would follow and then that kid that was living inside him: Timothy, Timmy. And then: Little brother. Oh, how much Tim looked forward to that.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>He hated being Dick's little brother. It was an excuse for not taking what he wanted and needed. It was a wall that he helped Dick built. But first things first: the disappearance of Red Hood. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	A creature in my bloodstream (chews me up)

**Author's Note:**

> Title: 'Touch' by Daughter. This is my Tim-Song, actually.  
> Beta Icalynn <3.

Tim coughed because it was the automatic response of his body, he knew it was stupid and he had been trained better. A second later, he was inhaling whatever the Scarecrow threw at him. He grabbed for the air mask and the antidote just as Nightwing swooped in. 

Tim injected the antidote, watching Nightwing deal with the Scarecrow. He took a careful inventory of his body and mental health, but he felt calm and collected. Whatever the Scarecrow had been brewing up the antidote seemed to counteract it as it should. Tim still pocketed a sample of the new drug before he followed Nightwing out of the warehouse that had been serving as Scarecrow's laboratory. 

“Jay would blow the whole thing up,” Nightwing said looking down at the warehouse. 

“Codenames,” Tim replied. He felt like he was saying that at least three times a day when he was working with Nightwing. 

Nightwing turned to him. “You okay – Robin?” 

Tim nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. He liked how the cape fell around him. He felt safe under the cape. “Took the antidote.” 

Nightwing nodded in return. 

Tim wanted to watch Nightwing move, just sit down and watch Nightwing move – like when he had been a kid and saw Dick do the triple. He shook his head slightly and could feel Nightwing tense. “Robin.” It was a question because Nightwing, because Dick, was just that intuitive. Tim was just a little bit jealous of it. 

“Did you call the police?” Tim asked in his best Robin voice. 

Nightwing nodded all business like and Tim suddenly felt hollow inside. He wanted the night to be over already. He had school tomorrow anyway, so it would be easy to get away with going home. 

“Good,” Tim said and then waited for Nightwing to do – something. 

“I'm driving you home.” 

“My bike is parked a bit away,” Tim argued. 

Nightwing nodded again. 

Tim wanted to reach out and run his fingers over Nightwing's arm, his spine, the curve of his hip – He looked away from Nightwing's back and let his gaze sweep over Gotham. 

“See you around then, Robin,” Nightwing said. 

Robin nodded, Tim – Tim didn't do anything at all. He felt cold and non-existent behind his own eyes. Briefly he wondered if that was how Bruce felt when he became the Batman, if it would be that way from now on every night, and then even that fleeting thought was gone and ruthless calm settled over Tim like a blanket of snow. 

~+~

Tim stretched and catalogued his aches and pains. Nothing that he couldn't deal with or hide. Explain away to the people who thought they were Tim Drake's friends. Tim was wondering who this Tim Drake even was. He knew he had to keep that person alive for some reason, but he couldn't remember the reason, or why he had thought it was a good one. 

He was Tim. But he didn't know who Tim was. Was Tim who Batman thought he was? Or Nightwing? Jason? Jason at least had called him the Replacement. Replacement had a meaning. Who was Tim? Who was Timothy Drake?

Why was this even important? 

He got out of bed, showered, ate his breakfast, and went to school. He sat at his desk and played being Tim Drake, good student, decent enough friend. 

Person that was bullied when no one was around to prevent it. 

He could feel Edgar Klatt at his back, just before the shove came that sent him into the wall. It didn't happen that often anymore, but it happened often enough. Did Bruce know about this? Tim Drake was not a real person, why should his bruises be real? 

But Tim, Tim was a real person, that calm, cold intellect working inside him, that was alive and it was getting colder by the second. 

He looked up at Edgar and didn't look away from the muddy brown eyes. I hate you, he thought and felt warmth spread through him for the first time in what felt like forever. I hate you and I want to see you suffer. He got up from the ground. He didn't even want to know why Edgar wanted to beat him up, again and again and again. It didn't matter, because Tim suddenly knew that feeling intimately. It was like a lost lover's touch. He hated Edgar for beating him up, that was reason enough. He understood that Edgar hated him for some reason too, or just hated people like Tim. Or maybe, he just thought Tim was an easy target and he got off on beating up people – that Tim could understand too. He got off on beating up people and he called it justice. All of them did. Jason was the only one honest enough to admit that he liked beating up people for doing bad things. Why should this be different, Tim wondered. Edgar was beating up someone he thought was smaller and defenceless. Tim straightened up to his full height – he was still smaller than Edgar, who was playing football too.

“What are you looking at fag?” Edgar asked. 

“You,” Tim said. Was that the reason? And Tim hadn't even come out yet to anyone. He smiled and knew it was a nasty thing to look at. Twisted and all wrong, he could feel it on his face, a layer of – something, like powder, like ice, like a mask. 

Edgar took a step back and then because he was just that stupid, Tim thought, he took two steps forward and made to punch Tim again. Tim was faster and he had learned from the best. He was deadly. He was a deadly queer boy and Edgar was going to never forget that. Tim was never again going to forget that either. 

And it felt good to punch Edgar and see the shock on his face. To feel the flesh dent and the bone crack. “You will never ever touch me again,” Tim hissed, kicking him for good measure. He didn't wait for an answer. He knew that Edgar would never tell anyone who beat him up. Tim didn't think that anyone would believe him anyway. Tim Drake was a good kid. Tim wasn't. He had had illusions about himself, but they were slowly fading away. 

In their absence, something else was forming. Tim wasn't sure what it was yet, but he thought he might like that creature once it emerged from that hidden place. 

~+~

It was a good thing, Tim thought, that Robin was patrolling alone these days. He was feeling freer and didn't even wince when he heard the rib crack. Some guys just needed to learn it the hard way. He kicked once more, just because, and then called the police. They could pick this scum up. 

He shot the grapple and landed smoothly on the rooftop. 

“That last kick? Not really necessary,” Red Hood said, he was lightning a cigarette. Robin threw a shuriken at it and Red Hood let it fall to the ground. He could feel the Hood's eyes on him. The white-out lenses didn't hide anything from those who were wearing them. 

“I felt like it,” Tim said. 

“No, 'he deserved it'?” Hood asked. 

“Was that what I was supposed to say?” Tim wondered. He knew of course, but he just didn't feel like pretending anymore. It felt good to not pretend. Like it had felt when he had beaten up Edgar Klatt four days ago. 

Red Hood shrugged. “It’s what Robin says.” 

Am I Robin? Or is Robin just another layer I need to shed, Tim wondered. “I thought you would approve.” 

“I do, with my whole undead heart, Robin,” Red Hood replied. “I would welcome you to the dark side, but-”

Tim looked at him. “You don't think I will last? Or embrace it fully? Like I should?” 

“No, not like you should,” Red Hood said. There was something speculative in his voice that Tim didn't like. “You alright, Robin?” He asked. 

He was suspicious of Robin, Tim thought and smiled. “Never better,” he answered and shot the tranquillizer. He needed to hide the body and keep Red Hood under. Somewhere. He also needed to fabricate a nice little story so Bruce and Dick wouldn't worry about Red Hood for a while, just long enough that Tim could become what he needed to be. 

Right now, he was too many people who wanted too many different things. Tim had to cut it down to the basic needs. 

Kick ass, make the bad guys fear him, Dick-

His obsession with Dick, his love for Dick, it all needed an outlet or he would explode. But he couldn't meet Dick, not like this. 

Tim was aware that Dick would think that something was wrong with Tim, instead of being happy or at least accepting of what Tim was trying to do. He needed to be one being, one person. The others really had to die. There was no other option. Tim Drake was already gone. Soon Robin would follow and then that kid that was living inside him: Timothy, Timmy. And then: Little brother. Oh, how much Tim looked forward to that.

He hated being Dick's little brother. It was an excuse for not taking what he wanted and needed. It was a wall that he helped Dick built. But first things first: the disappearance of Red Hood. 

~+~

Tim knew that his plans were better than most vigilantes'. He also knew that he and Bruce were too much alike. He couldn't get rid of Bruce. 

And he couldn't be the first to say anything about Jason either. Jason sometimes disappeared for days and no one wondered. He would just keep Jason under and live his life (what life?) until the creature could be born.  
Nightwing landed nearly silently on the rooftop. Tim had felt the air shift, so he was prepared for Nightwing's hand on his shoulder. He suppressed all reactions to that touch ruthlessly, like he trained himself to do years ago, and then lowered his binoculars slowly. 

“Nightwing.”

“Robin, you've been sitting on this rooftop for hours.” 

“It's called a stake-out,” Robin said, it was an old joke. He didn't think it was funny. He just wanted Nightwing to leave, because – because he didn't want Nightwing to leave. Timmy, Timmy was fighting hard for control right now. Timmy, that stupid kid inside him, wanted Nightwing to save him, to save them. 

Nightwing sniggered silently. Tim could feel it travel from Nightwing's body to his own, through his arm and fingertips that were touching Tim's shoulder. And he wanted. Wanted so many things. 

“Yeah, I know. This is Hood's territory.” 

“He sometimes ventures into ours, I think it's only fair.” 

“Yeah, but-” Nightwing paused and Tim knew he was biting his lip. That pretty plush, soft looking lip. Shit, he took a shallow breath and waited Nightwing out. “He hasn't shown up here yet, did he?” 

“No,” Tim said. He and Red Hood were on speaking terms – well, had been. Tim imagined that Jason was really fucking pissed that Tim had drugged him and kept him locked up where no one could find him. It probably didn't help that he had told Jason it was only temporary. They were on speaking terms, but they weren't exactly friends. It seemed no one was exactly friends with Jason right now. 

“Not even a warning?” Nightwing asked. 

“No.” 

“Weird,” Nightwing said. 

“Well, it's Red Hood. It doesn't mean he doesn't know I'm here, maybe he doesn't care about this particular scumbag,” Tim replied in his Robin voice. 

Nightwing crouched down next to him on the rooftop. Tim missed the firm touch of his fingers around his shoulder.  
Nightwing nodded. “I know. He has a type.” 

Once upon a time, Tim would have made a joke about it, but he didn't feel like it tonight. Everyone and their grandmother knew that Jason liked to shoot out the kneecaps of rapists, child-slavers and that kind of scumbags. Tim also thought they were the worst. Tim put his binoculars back to his eyes and watched. 

“You're gonna be up here for much longer?” Nightwing asked after a while.

“Nightwing.” 

“I'm just saying. Guy hasn't done anything – at all, not only not suspicious, for one solid hour.” 

And he hadn't done anything suspicious for the four that Tim had been observing him either. It seemed like a fucking waste of time. “It's not a school night,” Tim said. 

“I know, that's why I was thinking maybe you wanna stop by at my place?” Nightwing replied. 

“For what?” 

“So, I can feed you pizza and we can watch horrible kung fu movies?” Nightwing answered, but the voice, the smile in it, that was all Dick. And Tim wanted again. Wanted to pin Nightwing, Dick, down and kiss his pretty soft looking lips. Wanted to tie him up and suck his cock, maybe even lick his hole and make Dick scream with pleasure – he stopped his thoughts right there. 

“No, thanks,” Tim said. 

“Tim-”

“Codenames!” Tim hissed. 

“There is no one here and Jason knows who we are.” 

“Way too many people know who we are,” Tim said. 

Nightwing gave him a look. He could feel it. It was part concerned and part speculative. Tim didn't think that was a good combination. 

He knew that he couldn't get rid of Nightwing as easily as he had done with Red Hood. Nightwing checked in with Alfred, with Bruce too.

“Right now, you looked really scary,” Nightwing said. 

“And that is not what Robin is about,” Tim replied. 

“No, it's not.”

“Maybe,” Tim said, turning slowly so he could look at Nightwing. “Maybe it is now. You aren't Robin anymore. You have no rights to this costume. Neither does Red Hood. I am – Robin.” Right now at least he was. He wondered in a detached way if he would always be Robin. It wasn't a bad persona to be. 

Nightwing got up and took a step back. 

The old Tim would have been concerned he had hurt Dick. Robin had his own problems. 

“I guess you’re right. You have always been more his than ours,” Nightwing said. 

Jason, Tim thought, Jason had said that too. That he was more bat than bird. Was that a bad thing? Why should Tim care? He was doing the job. 

“I'm no one's,” Tim heard himself say. 

It earned him a sharp look from Nightwing. “Robin-”

“I'll let you know if he should show up on my rooftop,” Tim cut in. 

“Okay,” Nightwing said and then he was gone. 

Tim decided that he would observe his subject for another hour and then call it a night. 

 

~+~

Jason was glaring at him. He wasn't saying a word, but that was probably due to the gag in his mouth. Tim wasn't taking any chances. All of them were very resourceful. A claws and teeth kind of resourceful. 

Jason was stripped of his armour and all weapons, but it didn't make him less dangerous. What made him docile now was the drugs in his system, the IV in his arm – for fluids, the catheter. And once Jason was out of here Tim knew he would pay for that one probably the most. 

He approached cautiously and removed the gag. Jason spat on the floor. 

“Fuck, Babybird. The fuck?” His green eyes were stormy. 

“Babybird,” Tim repeated. “Is that how you see me?” 

Jason considered, Tim could see it on his face. Jason's face was never impassive like Bruce's, like Tim's own when he wasn't pretending to be someone, someone else needed him to be. 

“I thought you liked it,” Jason said. 

“Like Dick thinks I like it when he calls me little brother,” Tim said and even to his own ears it sounded bitter. The creature in his blood extended its claws and slashed at it confines.

“What are you going to do now, Robin?” 

Tim cocked his head. “I'll keep you here, until I'm ready.” 

“Ready to do what?” Jason asked. 

Tim shook his head. He didn't need to explain himself. It was a bad habit that got villains into trouble. Tim was smarter than that. 

Jason sighed. “Can I have a cigarette?” 

“It's bad for your health,” Tim said, automatically. 

Jason laughed, it sounded a bit rough. “Yeah, and this isn't?” 

“I keep you as comfortable as I can.” 

“You make me piss in a fucking bag and I haven't eaten a thing for days,” Jason said. “Your hospitality sucks.” 

“It won't be much longer, Jason. I promise. And I'm fully prepared for you to pay me back in kind,” Tim replied. He was pretty sure it wouldn't matter by then. He rarely felt like anything mattered right now. It was nice to feel so calm. It was nice to feel so cold inside. Even the pain of the creature was a dull ache now. The only thing that made his blood run hot and made him want things was: Dick. It was a weakness, but it was a weakness Tim wasn't ready to deal with just yet. Maybe once he became what he was becoming.  
Jason gave him a look. 

Tim got up and grabbed the gag again. Jason sighed. 

~+~

He was being followed. Not many people could follow him. It wasn't good that someone was even trying.  
He stepped into the shadows of a gargoyle and waited. 

Of course he couldn't get the drop on Nightwing – not like that at least. Nightwing stood at the edge of the building Tim was on and waited. “I know you're there.” 

Tim stepped out of the shadows. “Why are you following me?” 

“You're being weird,” Nightwing answered. 

“Nice,” Tim said. “Very specific too.” 

Nightwing rolled his eyes. He was relaxing a bit now in Tim's presence. That was good, his cold intellect said. It would be easier to get the drop on Nightwing. He trusted Robin. 

“I-” he ran a hand through his hair and – fuck why was Dick his fucking Kryptonite? Tim didn't want to get rid of Dick. “If there is something bothering you. You know you can always come and talk to me. You are my-”

“Don't fucking say it!” Tim exploded and then took a breath and let it out slowly. 

Nightwing took a step back and then two forward like he wanted to touch Tim. Tim knew that that wouldn't be a good idea at all. Tim was ready to break bones and take, claim, hurt. “And just don't touch me right now.” Tim took a step into the shadows. “I'm-” he couldn't say fine, because he obviously wasn't, and even a blind man could see that right now. It didn't need a detective of Nightwing's skills. “Going through some stuff right now.” 

“Yes, that much is obvious,” Nightwing said. He crossed his arms over his chest. It made his arms look really good. Tim wanted to run his fingers over those muscles. 

“I can deal with it on my own.” 

“You don't have to, that is the whole point of having a family, T-Robin,” Nightwing said. 

For some reason Tim really wanted Nightwing to say his name. He ached for it right now. “Sometimes you have to figure your shit out on your own,” Tim said. 

“That sounds like Jason.” 

“Codenames,” Tim said. 

Nightwing smiled. “You are such a stickler for rules.” 

“That's what makes me a good Robin,” Tim said. “Besides he was my teacher too. I’m not only a carbon copy of you-”

“I never thought that,” Nightwing said. 

“Or of him. I know you wanted to be a better big brother, but I don't need a big brother,” Tim said. 

Nightwing cocked his head. “What do you need then?” 

“For you to leave me alone and let me do my job,” Tim said. 

Nightwing stepped closer. “No, that is not what you want.” 

“That wasn't the question,” Tim said, he took another step back and grabbed the grapple gun. He needed to go. He didn't want to use the tranquillizer on Nightwing and put him in a cell like Jason. He couldn't afford it either. Nightwing would never disappear like that without telling anyone. 

He shot the grapple before Nightwing could say another word and then was in the air and gone, hoping Nightwing would take the hint. 

~+~

Bruce gave him a look once he was back in the Cave and Tim knew that Dick had already talked to him. Tim knew it was coming. 

Bruce turned in his chair and looked on as Robin shed his uniform and became Tim Drake again. Whoever that was these days. His skin felt itchy. More and more each day. It couldn't be long. 

“Dick called?” Tim asked, putting a sweater on. It was always cool in the Cave. 

Bruce nodded. “He is concerned.” 

“He always is. He’s Dick,” Tim said matter of factly. 

“Yes, that is true, but Tim,” Bruce stopped. “If you need to talk things through with someone, I am here for you.” 

“Thanks. Dick already offered.” 

“You declined his offer,” Bruce observed. 

Tim nodded. “Sometimes you need to work thinks out in your own head. You, of all people, should understand Bruce.” 

Bruce nodded again and turned to his monitors. The conversation was over and Tim dismissed. It didn't mean that Bruce wasn't going to observe him closely, it only meant that they weren't going to speak about it until Tim wanted to. 

It suited Tim just fine. “Good night, Bruce.”

“Good night, Tim,” Bruce said. 

~+~

“They will find out about this, Babybird,” Jason said. 

Tim was scratching at his skin. The itch was becoming worse. He was wondering what kind of creature he was becoming. 

“And you really should stop that, you’ve already scratched yourself bloody. You're not okay.”

“I'm getting there, once it's gone I will be fine.” 

“Once what is gone?” Jason asked. 

Tim looked at him. His eyes were really pretty. Kind of a muddy green like seawater. “The shell.” 

“The shell? Like your skin?” 

“Bones, skin, meat. Everything,” Tim replied. 

“You realize you sound a bit insane, right, Babybird?” Jason asked, there was a note of concern in his voice. But Tim wasn't sure if it was for him or for his own welfare. Maybe a bit of both. Jason was practical like that. 

Tim cocked his head. Was he sounding insane? He couldn't say. “You'll understand that I won't take your word for it, right?” Tim replied. 

Jason laughed. “Yeah, but maybe if you asked Dick-”

“No!” 

“Why's that?” 

Tim closed his eyes, maybe he was going insane. It all seemed so clear just this morning, those last few days. He was becoming: better, stronger, colder. It was a good thing. Why was the mentioning of Dick's name making his heart beat faster – in an unpleasant way? Why was Dick something to be feared? 

“Babybird?” Jason asked. 

Tim's eyes snapped to his face. “I don't want to hurt him.” 

“Like you do with me?” 

“No, like the worst scum you hunt down,” Tim admitted. This had to be avoided at all cost. 

“Shit, Babybird. How cracked are you?” Jason asked. 

Tim didn't answer. He didn't know. Didn't know if he was or not. He got up and grabbed the gag. For the first time since the day Tim brought him here Jason was struggling and screaming, threatening, biting. Tim had to knock him out him so he could put the gag on. 

~+~

“Did you talk to him?” Dick asked. 

Tim was hiding in the shadows, so far neither of them had sensed his presence. 

“Yes,” Bruce said. 

“And?” Dick asked. 

Bruce kept silent. 

“Oh, for fuck's sake, Bruce!” Dick exploded. 

“Language.” 

“I'm not ten anymore,” Dick said sharply. “Something is wrong with him.”

“He performs very well on patrol,” Bruce countered. 

“Yeah, Jason did too,” Dick said and without waiting for an answer he barrelled on: “Don't you think it's just a bit suspicious that Jason goes missing just as Tim starts to act weird?” 

“We don't know if Jason is missing. He doesn't check in with us-”

“No, he doesn't check in with you,” Dick said. 

Clearly Bruce hadn't known that, Tim hadn't either. 

Something hot and dangerous was clawing its way out, Tim reached for the calm of the creature swimming in his bloodstream. He imagined it as a big pale blue worm with teeth and claws. 

“Did you know that Tim beat up one of his classmates?” Dick challenged. 

Tim took a breath and stepped out of the shadows. “In my defence? Half of the bruises I didn't get on the job I got from him. He's a bully and had it coming.” 

Dick turned to look at him. “How long have you been lurking around?” 

“A few minutes,” Tim admitted. 

“You're getting better,” Bruce said, it was approving. 

Tim smiled a tiny smile to put Bruce at ease and then turned to Dick. “I told you I had some things to work through.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Dick said. “Still, beating up classmates? That's not like you.” 

“Jason got in fights a lot at school,” Tim countered. 

“That was Jason.” 

“Everyone has a breaking point,” Tim said, crossing his arms over his chest and letting the cape swallow him. 

“You're changing,” Dick replied. 

“Yes, that's called growing up, Dick. You should know all about it.” 

“Is that all?” Bruce asked quietly. 

“I think so,” Tim lied smoothly. But maybe it wasn't a lie at all. He was changing. It was part of growing up.  
Bruce nodded and turned to the monitors. 

“And that's it?” Dick asked.

“Yes,” Bruce answered. 

“I'm going to shower and change,” Tim said and made his way to the showers.

Dick hesitated only a moment before he followed him. 

Tim stripped and hoped that Dick wouldn't. No such luck. 

Dick stepped under the spray directly next to Tim. “I know something is going on with you, Tim.” 

“I told you-”

“No, not that growing up bullshit. Something else,” Dick said. Tim could feel his body-heat he was so close, he looked at Dick out of the corner of his eye. Dick was all coiled muscle and tanned skin. Black hair and water running down his back and arms. Tim wanted to lick him. All over. Leave the faint scent of his saliva like a branding on Dick's body. Dick was a threat to the creature. He made Tim feel hot, so hot inside that he thought the creature would melt. Clawing and biting and screaming. 

“Dick,” he said and it was a warning that Dick of course ignored. 

He turned to Tim and reached out, Tim grabbed his hand, twisted his arm behind Dick's back and pinned Dick against the tiled wall. Dick had strength on him, but he didn't want to hurt Tim, didn't want to risk a fight, especially here where the tiles were slick and wet. 

They were to close. Dick's neck looked so deliciously vulnerable and his skin was so hot. Tim wanted to run his hands over Dick's sides and press his front to Dick's back. Wanted to feel Dick's hot skin everywhere. 

“He's right, you know? You are getting better and better.” 

Tim leaned in, but didn't increase the pressure on Dick's arm. Something was holding him back. Maybe the knowledge that Bruce was only a few feet away. He had to get on his tiptoes to be able to whisper into Dick's ear. “Please, you aren't even trying.” 

“I don't want us to slip and strain ourselves,” Dick replied, there was a smile in his voice. He still wasn't afraid. Still trusted Tim. “But I know that you can take me.” 

Tim stepped away, because the words, the image it burned into his brain, made his cock stir. He turned his back on Dick, so he could hide it 

Dick's hand was on his shoulder a moment later and Tim suppressed the urge to slap it away. He couldn't quite control the shiver that Dick's touch produced. “Tim, I want you to help me find Jason.” 

Tim sighed. This was not good. “Maybe he doesn't want to be found.” 

“Maybe something happened to him. I know you and him aren't friends, but you are on speaking terms and-”

“He means a lot to you,” Tim cut in. 

“Yes, like all of you. You are family.” 

“We really aren't, Dick,” Tim said, brushing Dick's hand from his shoulder. 

“That there, that tells me that something is very wrong. The old Tim wouldn't say things like that.” 

Tim turned to him then, it was safe now because he wasn't aroused anymore. “It doesn't mean the old Tim hadn't felt that way Dick,” Tim said. 

He knew that it would hurt Dick. “Tim-”

“See, I had a family. I mean they weren't perfect, obviously. But they weren't dead. I'm not like you and Jason. He didn't take me in – I made him. I wanted this. So of course I would be different. Of course I wouldn't feel the same strong bonds you and Jason felt. Are feeling. I am – no one's.” 

Dick grabbed him so fast Tim had no time to move away. A second later his face was pressed against Dick's chest. Perfect, hard-soft and warm. Dick's arms were around him, holding him secure and safe and Tim tried not to struggle. The ice-blue creature in his blood was screaming at him to pull away, but the other one the one that loved how Dick felt against him: solid and warm, clutched at Dick. He wanted to tell Dick to save him. He knew in that moment that something wasn't right and hadn't been for weeks. The moment passed and Tim pulled away as soon as he felt his cock take interest in the water slick skin of Dick's smooth stomach. 

“You are ours,” Dick said firmly. 

Tim nodded, but he didn't know what it meant. 

They showered in silence and then Tim went upstairs. 

~+~

“I didn't know you were checking in with Dick,” Tim said. 

Jason shrugged, it looked graceless and weird, because he was still tied down to a bed. “It wasn't any of your business. But maybe it is now?” 

“He is worried about you,” Tim said and because he felt mean and bitter added, “Bruce isn't.” 

“As if I didn't know,” Jason replied. “So when are you going to let me out?” 

“Soon,” Tim said, Jason gave him a look. Tim knew he had said that days ago. He was still feeling the iceworm in his veins, but he wasn't so sure if it would emerge any time soon. Or at all. He wasn't sure about anything anymore. 

“You're screwed, Babybird,” Jason said. There was such conviction in his voice that Tim's heart started to beat faster. But of course Tim knew that. “You remember when you started to feel like there wasn't anything that mattered?” 

Tim shook his head, but that was a lie too. He knew, he knew, and it wasn't true anyway, there were things that mattered. Not hurting Dick for one. 

“I can remember it clearly. When I dug myself out of my own fucking grave. I didn't feel anything after that until I saw that he took you in. Then I started to feel things again,” Jason continued. 

“I feel things,” Tim said. 

“Like what?” 

“Desire,” Tim replied. 

“For what or whom?” 

“Justice. I want to-” he stopped, that was bullshit. He didn't feel that. Not at all, it was just a handy excuse. 

“It's Dick, isn't it?” Jason asked. His voice wasn't gentle, but wasn't cruel either. “You want Dick with every fiber of your being, and you know you will hurt him if you can get your hands on him in this stage. But you don't want to hurt Dick.” 

“I don't want to hurt Dick,” Tim repeated. 

“What about me?” Jason asked. 

Tim looked at Jason. Bound to the bed securely. He had lost a bit weight, because the stuff Tim was giving him couldn't be compared to solid food, he hadn't been allowed more than to sit up and – Tim was a horrible fucking human being right now. 

“I'm sorry. I don't know-” he got up from the chair and left the room in a panic. He wasn't thinking clearly or maybe for the first time in days he was thinking clearly. He felt sick, his body was aching and in pain and he needed – he needed for someone to get Jason. He got sick in a corner of the warehouse. His head was spinning. He needed – he needed to let Dick know that Jason was here. “Yes,” Tim said. He had deactivated Jason's phone and tracker, but he had his burner phone. He grabbed that and went back to the cell. “Dick's gonna come for you,” he said, dialled Dick's number and put it on speaker. “I need to go.” he didn't wait for Dick to pick up. 

He needed to be somewhere else. He needed, he didn't know. Everything was spinning and out of control and his skin was itching, he threw the gauntlets away on his way out, so he could get to his skin. His nails dug in deep, and it felt so fucking good. It felt like his skin was finally breaking open, like it should be, like breaking the shell of an egg so new life could emerge. He was feeling euphoric, because finally, finally. He needed to be naked and find a place where he could wait out his transformation. 

~+~

Tim woke up to harsh whispers and cool, slightly damp air. He felt like a train had run him over. Everything hurt, even his eyelids. He couldn't make out the words, but the tone told him that someone was very pissed off and that this argument had been going on for some time. 

He groaned and it got silent. Deadly silent. 

A moment later, Dick was at his side with a glass of water. “Careful now, okay?” 

Tim tried to nod, but found he couldn't move like he wanted to. Dick had to prop his head up a bit, his hand felt warm and reassuring against the back of Tim's neck and skull. Tim took a careful sip.

He didn't try to speak, because his throat hurt too from just swallowing that tiny sip of water. 

“Shit, Tim. I'm so sorry,” Dick said and kissed his forehead. 

Tim moaned and didn't know why, Dick backed away. “I'm sorry,” Dick repeated. 

“Come on, Bigwing,” Jason said gently, tugging at Dick's arm. 

Tim closed his eyes. He knew he had fucked up and didn't know why Dick was apologizing or why Jason wasn't trying to kill him for what he had done. 

He was asleep, between one breath and the next. 

When he woke up again, his head was a bit clearer. Everything still hurt, but in a dull way. He was on the good meds. When he opened his eyes and turned, he could see Dick sleeping in the chair next to the bed. His head was resting on the blanket near Tim's hip. Tim's hand itched to stroke Dick's soft hair. He didn't. He just lay there and breathed. 

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Jason approaching. Tim opened his mouth to say something, but Jason put his finger to his lips and Tim kept his mouth shut. A moment later he could feel the prick of a needle in his arm. It was only fair, he thought and smiled as he feel asleep again.

The third time he woke up, he felt better and it didn't hurt to open his eyes or take a deep breath. 

“Among the living again,” Jason said. 

“I'm sorry,” Tim whispered. 

“I'm really fucking pissed at you,” Jason replied, sitting down in the chair close to the bed. Tim wondered where Dick was. 

“You have every right,” Tim said. He could still remember his reasoning for imprisoning Jason, but he couldn't figure out why he talked to Jason, why he had been honest with Jason. It made no sense.

“I know. You kept me tied up in a windowless cell for days. I have every fucking right, but you also nearly died on us, so...” 

“You forgive me?” Tim asked, unbelievingly. 

“You did hear that you nearly died, right?” Jason asked. 

Tim nodded. “I'm sorry, I hurt you,” he said again. 

“Shut up. You got the drop on me, I'm really pissed about that. Dick had to fucking rescue me, I'm pissed about that too and the freaking catheter. Also a few scumbags tried to get back on their feet while I was gone. I'm pissed about that too,” Jason replied. “I'm glad, however; that you didn't die.”

“Thank you,” Tim said, at a loss for words. He felt tired. 

“Also, I know you're dying to fucking know: Dick is upstairs sleeping. B ordered him too. He looked nearly as bad as you. This really fucked him up.” 

“Why?” Tim wondered. 

Jason sighed. “Because he had been there when you inhaled that shit Scarecrow had cooked up and he didn't realize something was wrong with you right away.” 

“I was fi-” Tim shut his mouth because the look Jason gave him promised him a world of pain if he finished that sentence. “I didn't realize I wasn't okay, how could he have?” 

“You preaching to the fucking choir, Babybird.” He crossed his arms over his chest, and looked in the direction of the stairs. “But you know him. He blames himself for everything.” 

Tim nodded and then reached out to grab Jason's knee, Jason looked at Tim's fingers on his leg and raised an eyebrow. “I take full responsibility for what I did. And-” he swallowed, “I won't try to get out of the payback.” 

Jason sighed again. “You are so fucked up, Babybird,” he said and then he leaned down and kissed Tim's forehead. “But it's alright. We all are. You at least didn't try to kill anyone around here.” 

“I wanted to-” he swallowed because he was fucking ashamed, but he had to tell someone. “I wanted to do things to Dick. I had planned to do things to Dick.” 

“You didn't,” Jason said. He stroked the scar on Tim's throat. “I tried to kill you and you still speak to me.” 

“You didn't. That counts for something,” Tim said. 

“Yes, I know it does for you, for Dick, maybe even B,” Jason leaned down and kissed the scar, Tim made a choked off noise. “It does for me too. But for the record: if you had, I would have hunted you down and put you out of your fucking misery.” 

Tim smiled. “I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Thank you Jason.” 

“You are very welcome, Babybird.” 

~+~

Tim closed the door behind him and exhaled slowly. Bruce had been all business-like which – was good. He didn't blame Tim for anything, no one seemed to do that, but Tim knew that it was all his fault. He had done this to himself. He had the slowly healing scars to prove it too. His arms were a mess, his belly too and the cut above his hip would leave a really huge ugly scar once it was healed. He was dimly aware that he had tried to slice himself open so the new him could crawl out of his old body easier. He shuddered just thinking about that kind of insanity. 

“Hey,” Dick said, he was leaning in the doorway, watching Tim. 

Tim hadn't seen Dick since the first time he had woken up in the Cave. He had been wondering if Dick had been avoiding him. 

“Hey,” Tim said. “I'm sorry. I fucked up badly.” 

“No, hey, I fucked up badly too.” 

“It wasn't your fault. You did everything right. You looked for Jason. I lied to you. I lied to everyone. I was-” 

“Not in your right mind,” Dick said. 

Tim nodded. That much was true. “I just. It wasn't your fault.” Tim said again. He needed Dick to believe that. 

“You remember everything?” Dick asked. 

“Yes,” Tim said, he wasn't looking away from Dick's beautiful face. His arms looked so good, the muscles and the dark tone of his skin. He loved Dick, he wanted Dick still. 

Dick uncoiled from the door and ran a hand through his hair. Messing it up a bit. He looked really young in that moment, Tim thought. 

“I was so fucking scared when we found you. You were bleeding out.” 

“I'm sorry,” Tim said helplessly.

“It was touch and go for a while there,” Dick continued. He looked at Tim and there was so much pain in his eyes that is made Tim's head stutter. “When we lost Jason it was bad enough. He came back, but – I don't think the universe gives back the people I love just because I love them, Tim. We were lucky to get Jay back.” 

“I know.” He swallowed. “Dick-”

“No, I'm not finished yet.” Dick cut in. “I made mistakes with Jay. I didn't want to make the same with you, but I did different ones and they were just as bad.” 

“I don't understand,” Tim said, because he really didn't. 

Dick looked away for a second, taking a breath, stealing himself, Tim realized. “In the shower-”

“Dick, don't. I'm really sorry. I-” Tim knew what was coming and he didn't want to have to go through it again. 

“Listen,” Dick said sharply and Tim nodded. “I knew. I could feel your arousal. Could nearly taste it. I – when I hugged you, I didn't want to let go,” he looked at Tim then. His eyes were so impossibly blue. 

Tim swallowed. “Oh.” 

“Was that because something inside you knew that I would react that way? Did you do it to distract me? Did you-”

“No,” Tim cut in hastily. “No,” he said again a bit gentler. “I was holding back, because if I had given in, I would have taken you no matter what. Do you understand?” 

“Tim, you couldn't have-” 

“I kidnapped Jason, Dick. I – I had plans, detailed plans how to take you,” he had to say it, he had to, “How to rape you.” 

“Tim.” Dick's voice sounded helpless. 

“I'm sorry. I fucked up big time and I'm sorry I am such an obsessive creep.” 

“But you didn't.” 

“Why is it,” Tim said sharply, “That all of you chose to concentrate on that part? I was slicing myself open, that was the only reason why I didn't go through with that plan!” 

“No,” Dick said gently, coming closer. There was nowhere to go. He was standing with his back to the wall. “You could have done it. On the rooftop? Or you could have come to my place when I asked you to. It would have been really easy, because I trust you.” Dick cupped Tim's face. His hand was so warm. It made Tim shiver. The gentleness of the touch, the softness of Dick's voice, the love and trust in his eyes. 

“How?” Tim asked. How could Dick still trust him after all this? 

“You didn't prove me wrong, did you?” Dick replied with a smile and then he was pulling Tim in and against his chest and Tim had nowhere to go. And there was no way he was going to reject Dick. Tim clutched at Dick's arms as Dick hugged him close. “We'll figure it out, Tim.” He said. Tim had no idea how or what exactly Dick wanted to figure out, but right now it didn't matter.


End file.
